A big part of my massive life upheaval is doing well in school.
Don't get me wrong. I'm smart. Clever, even, one might say. But I have a nasty habit of being unmotivated -- and preferring to watch youtube videos and, heyyy, write a blog! rather than do my reading and take extensive notes. Who doesn't?
I remind myself of Calvin (of "and Hobbes" fame).
But, I've decided to do an experiment this week.
I must be on time or EARLY for every class -- including daily dance, 9am across town!
And I must be OVERPREPARED.
Now... it is Monday night and so far I haven't gotten off to an auspicious start. I went to both my classes (hoorayyy!) but I didn't do the reading. Luckily, saved by the library! It was one of those bizarre Library Education classes that one expects in high school but in university they are either a godsend or a pain in the ass. We just took our stuff to the library (where I work part time) and my coworker, Mary, explained how books worked. Everyone was rapt, RAPT I tell you!
Then I went to work at said library, and then a friend and I went downtown because I had to buy a new pair of ballet shoes. He is one of my few heterosexual male friends (hey, I'm a Musical Theatre major in New York City, let's be realistic here) and he just lost his cousin over the weekend. So, with the hot mess of a state I was in, and the recent trauma he was going through, we made for a huggy pair.
Day One of my BEAST SCHOOL plan degenerated into me weeping the whole way home and bursting out into a full-blown cry-fest while my roommate hugged it out with me.
I hate being this miserable all the time. I'm usually the most joyful, cheery, pollyanna type girl you could possibly be around -- often to the point of obnoxiousness! But losing B, my close friend who passed away a little over a month ago, and then my boyfriend moving away and dumping my ass is just throwing me for the biggest loop. I feel like after blow after blow after blow, my friends and classmates dying one by one through high school (5 in total between Sophomore and Senior year -- I'll get to that in another post) and other various wounds, has finally broken me down.
I know. I sound self indulgent and whiny. It's a real comfort to me, frankly, that EVERYONE deals with stupid shit. Everyone has a huge amount of pain in their life, whatever form it comes in. And it is what makes the good parts of life so darn good. (See? Pollyanna.)
But no matter how much pain I'm in right now, I know I WILL feel better. Just the meanwhile part kind of sucks hairy balls.